Dancing with Judgment

I was taught to judge, and judge harshly. It wasn’t mean-spirited. It was necessary.  In dance class.

Dance lessons were challenging, and preparing for a performance was exciting and invigorating. I was required to judge every flaw that showed up, every limb out of line. If I didn’t, my teacher did. “Adrian, give that arm some grace. It looks like a stick!” 

A dancer always looks for perfection, and never achieves it. But by striving for perfection, we get as close as we possibly can, and eventually, so close that the audience sees perfection. Their own experience with movement is so far below the performance that they can’t see the small flaws. Performing to an audience demands that high level of excellence.

Even though my teacher judged me to be woefully imperfect, my friends who didn’t go to dance class judged me much better.

But we’re supposed to leave the judgment of perfection at the studio and on the stage. I did not.

Let me back up a few years.

As a preteen, I was scrawny and awkward, never knowing what to do with my legs and arms. I compared myself to all the cool people in school, and I felt pathetic. Dance class was my lifeline, and I learned how to move myself around without feeling like I’d just hatched out of an egg. And I still compared myself unfavorably and still found ways to demean my worth. There’s always something or someone that’s better, which meant I was worse. And that was bad.

“Comparison is the thief of joy.” 

You’ve probably heard that quote from Teddy Roosevelt somewhere. When we judge something it’s usually because we’re comparing it to something else. And that comparison seems to rob us of the joy of being content and happy with ourselves.

However, our nature as humans compels us to compare. We can’t stop!

When I compared my lanky, awkward body to someone else who looked more graceful, I felt bad.  And that judgment, I felt, was true and accurate because I had “evidence” from the comparison. “See, I’m so awkward because that person is so graceful.”

To help myself feel better, I would compare myself to someone who was less aware of their movements, someone who didn’t really care if they were graceful or not. Then I saw myself as better, which somehow didn’t make me feel very good, either.

But it wasn’t the comparison that stole my joy. It was my judgment of that comparison. 

Comparison has a good side

We make comparisons every time we make a decision. We compare the routes on a map when we want to get somewhere. We compare sizes when we choose jeans at the clothing store. We compare when we decide what movie we want to watch. These comparisons aren’t being judged for value; they’re being judged for how appropriate they are depending on what our goal is. 

Do we want the shorter route or the scenic one? Do we want the fit to be loose or snug? Do we want to watch a light comedy or an exciting adventure movie? These comparisons are a necessary part of coming to a decision.

However, when we compare two things – and judge them as better or worse – that’s when the trouble starts. With this judgment there’s a winner and there’s a loser. When we “win” we feel prideful, which doesn’t lead to true happiness. When we “lose” we feel miserable, also not happiness.

When we understand that our experiences are only what we judge them to be because of the comparisons we make, we are free to compare them to anything we like. And therefore we are free to think of ourselves and our circumstances any way we decide.

This realization opened my mind like a cathedral ceiling. I could think of myself any way I pleased! 

Using comparison like a boss

For example, I used to compare my clothing choices to others. I wanted to feel like I was trendy and chic and always fell short because my budget was not the same. Now I compare my clothing choice to how I am feeling or what activity I’m doing rather than to what someone else is wearing. And I feel great!

One of the hardest judgments to change was thinking something or someone was better or worse. Rather than judging myself better than someone else I choose to understand that I am better than I was yesterday, at least in some aspect. That was the perfect solution to feeling accomplished and good without throwing someone else under the bus.

My conclusion?

As a teenager, I improved my opinion of myself in dance class because I became more aware of how to move more gracefully. I learned control and raised my capabilities and my self-image. But it took a few years to master.

Now, I can improve my opinion of myself in a flash. When I find myself in a slump and start thinking I’ll never be _____(insert negative judgment), I just need to remove the judgment and tweak the comparison I’m using. 

Turns out, I’m pretty incredible, and so are you!